A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks..
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.." Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 Meeting place for the Australian Helicopter Community |
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| Re: Wednesday Joke |  by If I Was A Bird on Wed Jul 14, 2010 2036 |
-
If I Was A Bird
- 1st Dan
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Nov 9th, 2007
A Little-old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon, when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again,
“Would you let me bite your breasts - just once – for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000...
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man.... "Costs too much!"
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
“Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again,
“Would you let me bite your breasts - just once – for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000...
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man.... "Costs too much!"
Never Argue With An Idiot. They Will Drag You Down To Their Level, Then Beat You With Experience
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by If I Was A Bird on Wed Jul 14, 2010 2037 |
-
If I Was A Bird
- 1st Dan
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Nov 9th, 2007
GHOST SEX
A professor at the Monash University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "s#%t, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
A professor at the Monash University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Ahmed replied, "s#%t, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Never Argue With An Idiot. They Will Drag You Down To Their Level, Then Beat You With Experience
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by If I Was A Bird on Wed Jul 28, 2010 1035 |
-
If I Was A Bird
- 1st Dan
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Nov 9th, 2007
Husband Store:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking....
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking....
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Never Argue With An Idiot. They Will Drag You Down To Their Level, Then Beat You With Experience
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by If I Was A Bird on Wed Jul 28, 2010 1037 |
-
If I Was A Bird
- 1st Dan
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Nov 9th, 2007
The Bunny and the Snake
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"That's ok," replied the snake. "Actually, I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know.
"That would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly
someone in senior management.
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By coincidence both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest and tripped over the snake and fell down.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth and can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"That's ok," replied the snake. "Actually, I too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and figure out what you are so you'll know.
"That would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly
someone in senior management.
Never Argue With An Idiot. They Will Drag You Down To Their Level, Then Beat You With Experience
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by harold on Wed Jul 28, 2010 1223 |
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harold
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Dec 12th, 2009
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a pretty receptionist standing at the office coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer and takes her complaint to the Personnel Department and states she want to lay Sexual Harassment charges against him.
The Human Resources Supervisor is puzzelled by her decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
She replies....."It's Keith....the dwarf!"
After a week of this she can't stand it any longer and takes her complaint to the Personnel Department and states she want to lay Sexual Harassment charges against him.
The Human Resources Supervisor is puzzelled by her decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?
She replies....."It's Keith....the dwarf!"
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by Bionic_kid on Wed Jul 28, 2010 1900 |
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Bionic_kid
- Silver Wings
- Posts: 24
- Joined: Aug 7th, 2009
Living Together
On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere,
the following group of people are shipwrecked:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere,
the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
ménage-à-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with
the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long
look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and
a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for
their stores.
The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian
woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she
can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal
division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how
her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do;
how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the
taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set
up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But
they're satisfied because at least the English aren’t having any fun.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOT FOR THOSE WHO GET EASILY OFFENDED: http://www.sickipedia.org/
On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere,
the following group of people are shipwrecked:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere,
the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
ménage-à-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with
the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long
look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and
a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for
their stores.
The two Australian men are contemplating suicide because the Australian
woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she
can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal
division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how
her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do;
how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the
taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set
up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But
they're satisfied because at least the English aren’t having any fun.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOT FOR THOSE WHO GET EASILY OFFENDED: http://www.sickipedia.org/
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by CYHeli on Wed Aug 11, 2010 0922 |
-
CYHeli
- 3rd Dan
- Posts: 623
- Joined: Jun 22nd, 2006
- Location: On the move
The difference between drug dealers and computer programmers-
Drug Dealers
1. Refer to their clients as “users”.
2. “The first one’s free!”
3. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
4. Strange jargon: “Stick,” “Rock,” “Dime bag,” “E”.
5. Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
6. Job is assisted by the industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes.
7. Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
8. Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
9. Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Computer Programmers
1. Refer to their clients as “users”.
2. “Download a free trial version…”
3. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
4. Strange jargon: “SCSI,” “RTFM,” “Java,” “ISDN”.
5. Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
6. Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines.
7. Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
8. DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. ‘Nuff said.
9. Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
Drug Dealers
1. Refer to their clients as “users”.
2. “The first one’s free!”
3. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff).
4. Strange jargon: “Stick,” “Rock,” “Dime bag,” “E”.
5. Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
6. Job is assisted by the industry’s producing newer, more potent mixes.
7. Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
8. Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
9. Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
Computer Programmers
1. Refer to their clients as “users”.
2. “Download a free trial version…”
3. Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code).
4. Strange jargon: “SCSI,” “RTFM,” “Java,” “ISDN”.
5. Realize that there’s tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market.
6. Job is assisted by industry’s producing newer, faster machines.
7. Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists.
8. DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. ‘Nuff said.
9. Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by If I Was A Bird on Wed Aug 11, 2010 1442 |
-
If I Was A Bird
- 1st Dan
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Nov 9th, 2007
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
Never Argue With An Idiot. They Will Drag You Down To Their Level, Then Beat You With Experience
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by If I Was A Bird on Wed Aug 11, 2010 1443 |
-
If I Was A Bird
- 1st Dan
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Nov 9th, 2007
A frustrated wife bought a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She put them on, together with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrossed her legs ... enough times 'til her husband finally noticed and said... "
Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Why, Y-e-s, I am" she answered with a seductive smile.
"Thank God", he replied, "I thought you were sitting on the cat".
He never even heard the gunshot.
She put them on, together with a short skirt and sat on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrossed her legs ... enough times 'til her husband finally noticed and said... "
Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Why, Y-e-s, I am" she answered with a seductive smile.
"Thank God", he replied, "I thought you were sitting on the cat".
He never even heard the gunshot.
Never Argue With An Idiot. They Will Drag You Down To Their Level, Then Beat You With Experience
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by Bionic_kid on Thu Aug 12, 2010 0115 |
-
Bionic_kid
- Silver Wings
- Posts: 24
- Joined: Aug 7th, 2009
AVIATION RULES AND REMINDERS
* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back...then they get bigger again.
* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.
* It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
* Asking what a pilot thinks about CASA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.
* Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back...then they get bigger again.
* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
* The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
* Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down -- all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly -- they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.
* It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
* Asking what a pilot thinks about CASA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by CYHeli on Thu Aug 12, 2010 1134 |
-
CYHeli
- 3rd Dan
- Posts: 623
- Joined: Jun 22nd, 2006
- Location: On the move
I sometimes get asked about my avatar, it is from here -
It represents CA$A concentrating on the important things...
It represents CA$A concentrating on the important things...
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by If I Was A Bird on Wed Aug 18, 2010 2046 |
-
If I Was A Bird
- 1st Dan
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Nov 9th, 2007
History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my bum!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....
"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my bum!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .....
"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
Never Argue With An Idiot. They Will Drag You Down To Their Level, Then Beat You With Experience
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by If I Was A Bird on Wed Aug 18, 2010 2049 |
-
If I Was A Bird
- 1st Dan
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Nov 9th, 2007
Larry and Scott wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $10 between them.
Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went to the butcher shop next door and came out with one large Sausage.
Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Larry replied, "Don't worry just follow me".
They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.
Scott said, "Now you have lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't any money to pay for this!"
Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Larry said "Ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get down on your knees and put it in your mouth."
No sooner said than done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk - all for free.
At the tenth bar, Scott said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
LARRY SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I LOST THE SAUSAGE AT THE THIRD BAR!"
Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went to the butcher shop next door and came out with one large Sausage.
Scott said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all".
Larry replied, "Don't worry just follow me".
They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.
Scott said, "Now you have lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't any money to pay for this!"
Larry replied with a smile, "Don't worry I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks.
Larry said "Ok, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get down on your knees and put it in your mouth."
No sooner said than done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk - all for free.
At the tenth bar, Scott said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"
LARRY SAID, "HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL? I LOST THE SAUSAGE AT THE THIRD BAR!"
Never Argue With An Idiot. They Will Drag You Down To Their Level, Then Beat You With Experience
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by Bront on Sun Aug 22, 2010 2134 |
-
Bront
- Silver Wings
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Mar 16th, 2006
- Location: South Africa
Pierre the French fighter pilot
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the famous French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts. "Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!" Our hero, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, what in the hell do you think you're doing?" Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by Capt Hollywood on Mon Aug 23, 2010 0112 |
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Capt Hollywood
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 361
- Joined: Sep 10th, 2006
- Location: Gold Coast
Well, I lost the Trivia Contest last Friday night by one point.
Not only got the last question wrong, but I was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.
Not only got the last question wrong, but I was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by If I Was A Bird on Mon Aug 23, 2010 0544 |
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If I Was A Bird
- 1st Dan
- Posts: 112
- Joined: Nov 9th, 2007
A SENSITIVE MAN
THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS. THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.
THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.
SHE SAID "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"
SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."
THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.
THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.
"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.
"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"
THE ROOM WAS FULL OF PREGNANT WOMEN WITH THEIR PARTNERS. THE CLASS WAS IN FULL SWING.
THE INSTRUCTOR WAS TEACHING THE WOMEN HOW TO BREATHE PROPERLY AND WAS TELLING THE MEN HOW TO GIVE THE NECESSARY ASSURANCE TO THEIR PARTNERS AT THIS STAGE OF THE PREGNANCY.
SHE SAID "LADIES, REMEMBER THAT EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU. WALKING IS ESPECIALLY BENEFICIAL. IT STRENGTHENS THE PELVIC MUSCLES AND WILL MAKE DELIVERY THAT MUCH EASIER!"
SHE LOOKED AT THE MEN IN THE ROOM, "AND GENTLEMEN, REMEMBER -- YOU'RE IN THIS TOGETHER --- IT WOULDN'T HURT YOU TO GO WALKING WITH HER."
THE ROOM SUDDENLY GOT VERY QUIET AS THE MEN ABSORBED THIS INFORMATION.
THEN A MAN AT THE BACK OF THE ROOM SLOWLY RAISED HIS HAND.
"YES?" ANSWERED THE TEACHER.
"I WAS JUST WONDERING. IS IT ALL RIGHT IF SHE CARRIES A GOLF BAG WHILE WE WALK?"
Never Argue With An Idiot. They Will Drag You Down To Their Level, Then Beat You With Experience
| Re: Wednesday Joke | by harold on Tue Aug 24, 2010 1432 |
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harold
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 82
- Joined: Dec 12th, 2009
I know it's not Wednesday but this is just too good to let slide:
Cattle Guards
Your government at work………
You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet………….
For those of you who have never travelled to the west, , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.
A few months ago, Kevin Rudd received and was reading a report that there were over 10,000 cattle guards in NSW & Queensland. Graziers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!!
Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Minister for Employment Julia Gillard, intervened with a request that…. before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
And they are [probably going to be] running our country
Cattle Guards
Your government at work………
You will love this one, I haven't stop laughing yet………….
For those of you who have never travelled to the west, , cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they fear getting their feet caught between the rails.
A few months ago, Kevin Rudd received and was reading a report that there were over 10,000 cattle guards in NSW & Queensland. Graziers had protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, so he ordered the Minister to fire half of the “cattle” guards immediately!!
Before the Minister could respond and presumably try to straighten him out, Minister for Employment Julia Gillard, intervened with a request that…. before any “cattle” guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.
And they are [probably going to be] running our country
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