Fridays Jokes

[droptmcguts]

A guy stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. All this was driving his golfing partner nuts. Finally, his exasperated partner said, "Just hit the stupid ball!" The guy answered, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," said the partner. "There's no way you can hit her from here."

In Florida, a 90-year-old man just won $16 million dollars in a state lottery. The 90-year-old says he will use the money to set up a charitable foundation to help him remember where he left his pants.



Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see" Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars" "What does that tell you?" enquired Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful clear day tomorrow. What does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, some bastard has stolen our tent"

[black duck]

Just plucked this out of today's news, pollies ya gotta love em"

New Zealand Prime Minister John Key found himself in hot water today after
joking about an indigenous tribe eating him for dinner. Mr Key has been at
loggerheads with a Maori tribe, the Tuhoe, over negotiations to settle their
grievances over land confiscations by European settlers in the 19th century.
During a speech to a tourism conference, Mr Key joked about having dinner
with the neighbouring Ngati Porou tribe, or iwi. "The good news is that I
was having dinner with Ngati Porou as opposed to their neighbouring iwi
which is Tuhoe, in which case I would have been dinner, which wouldn't have
been quite so attractive," Mr Key said.

A settlement negotiator with the Tuhoe tribe, Tamati Kruger, told Radio New
Zealand the joke was in poor taste.

[If I Was A Bird]

If women are as good as they say at multitasking why cant they have sex when they have a headache?

[nzheliwhore]

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The pope died

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.













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[Spex]

... aswell as putting a stack of money on Liverpool

[SuperF]

and an even bigger pile of money on England. gonna be 2029 if the gap is the same...

[imrb]

Mexican Words Of The Day


The teacher told Pepito to use the Following words in a sentence:


1. *Cheese*
Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.


2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.


3. *Shoulder*
My fren wants 2 become a citizen, but che didn't know how to read, So
I, shoulder.

4. * Texas *
When I'm not home, my fren always Texas me, Che wonders where I am!

5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza.
I got mine piece,then che got herpes.


6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store, but ju went to see sum guy.
July to me! Julyer!

7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars, but my wife rectum!

8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife , but che said chicken go
herself.

9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair

10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.

11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women.
I told her, "Honey, harassment nothen to me.

12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair, so I had to pick the bishop.


13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club, but no body wash my kids.

14. *Budweiser*
That women has a nice body, Budweiser face so ugly?

[If I Was A Bird]

BULLFROGS & BLOW JOBS

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...

No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ...

The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied,

'If I can teach this frog to cook..........you're gone.'

[CYHeli]

An early start...

Helothere, which one are you?

[Bionic_kid]

s#%t! I actually got that joke..... urm.... anyway...

Rachel, Clare and Samantha hadn't seen each other since Secondary School.

They rediscovered each other via a reunion website and arranged to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrived first, wearing camel Versace. She ordered a bottle of chilled Chablis.

Clare arrived shortly afterwards, in grey Chanel.

After the required ritualised kisses she joined Rachel in a glass of Chablis.

Then Sam walked in, wearing a faded old Barbour, jeans and Wellington boots. She too shared the wine.

Rachel explained that after leaving school and graduating from Oxford in Classics she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq. ft house in North London, where Susanna, their daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in the hills above Monte Carlo.

Clare graduated from King's College and became a Consultant Gynaecologist. Her husband, Clive, is a leading A&E Consultant. They live in Dulwich and have a second home in Florida.

Sam explained that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in Norfolk and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand four parrots side by side on his willy.

Half way down the third bottle of Chablis, several hours later, Rachel blurted out that her husband isn't Timothy, he's Tom and he's a clerk for Islington Council. They live in a terraced house in Muswell Hill, keep a caravan in France and Susan is a junior member of the local Amateur Drama Society.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, confessed that she and Clive are nurses in King's College.

They live in Herne Hill and have a timeshare in Orlando.

Samantha had to admit that the fourth parrot had to stand on one leg.

[If I Was A Bird]

DO MEN REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

'I would have been released today.'

[If I Was A Bird]

Wiremu, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd
each walked across the lake to the tavern on the far side for their first legal
drink.

So when Wiremu's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Rangi, took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Wiremu, stepped out of the boat ...and
nearly drowned! Rangi, just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Wiremu, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross
the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Wiremu's, troubled brown eyes and said,

"Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in August,
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in December, you f#%k-wit.............."