Fridays Jokes

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
GHETTO BIRD
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby GHETTO BIRD » Fri Aug 12 2011, 08:51

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked past Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:

'Oh God! I'm coming!'
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, I recon we'd have lost her."

The nun had to leave the room.
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Wed Aug 17 2011, 23:39

Little Johnny is sitting in his scripture class….
Preacher walks in and says the first person who can answer the next three questions correctly will receive a 15 minute early mark today…
The first question is who is the greatest being of all time??
Little Johnny grabs his compass and stabs the arse of the in boy in front who yells out “god almighty” and the preacher says yes that is correct!!
The second question is if god was the greatest being of all time then who was the greatest man to ever walk the earth???
Little Johnny stabs the boy in front again who yells out” Jesus Christ” and the preacher says yes that is correct!!
The preacher says if God was the greatest being of all time and Jesus was the greatest man to walk the earth then the third question is what did Eve say to Adam just as they were leaving the Garden of Eden???
Little Johnny stabs the boy in front again who yells out “if you stick that thing up me once more I will ram it down your F**king throat!!
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skypig
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby skypig » Thu Aug 18 2011, 12:18

The Fighter Pilots Prayer

“Lord, I pray for the eyes of an eagle,
the quickness of hummingbird,
the reflexes of a cat,
the radar of a cave bat,
the heart of a lion,
and the balls of a helicopter pilot”. :cool_slp:
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Pegs
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Pegs » Thu Aug 25 2011, 09:05

an early one for tomorrow.

*REDNECK HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:
1. Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
2. Put them on front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
3. Put some giant dog dishes next to boots & magazines.
4. Leave note on your door: "Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo & beer. Back soon. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don't think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back. ~Cooter
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Fri Aug 26 2011, 07:54

It's not all bad for the Australian labor party.... Apparently one of julias ministers CAN organize a root in a brothel.....
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Masto
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Masto » Fri Aug 26 2011, 12:16

If I Was A Bird wrote:It's not all bad for the Australian labor party.... Apparently one of julias ministers CAN organize a root in a brothel.....


BLAHAHA!!! love it... And consider it stolen!
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu Sep 1 2011, 19:21

co pilot.jpg
co pilot.jpg (14.7 KiB) Viewed 11951 times
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Skid Marx
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Re: Fridays Jokes - Life Without Farms

Postby Skid Marx » Fri Sep 2 2011, 03:35

A teacher in Detroit asked the class -

"What noise does a pig make?"

Little Tyronne jumps out of his chair and yells 'FREEZE MUTHAFU*KAZ'

Guess there arent too many farms in Detroit :P
Just trying to keep the same number of landings as liftoffs......
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu Sep 15 2011, 19:21

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

hieroglyphics.gif
hieroglyphics.gif (9.49 KiB) Viewed 11044 times


It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3000 years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society, who also happened to be a Greens senator, pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them." Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews. “

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "Idiots...Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the A*s on that Chick"
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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skypig
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby skypig » Sat Sep 17 2011, 08:42

stolen from BLOKE

They are suspending production of tzadziki and hommus in Greece, there is fear of a double dip recession.... :oops:
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Pegs » Fri Sep 23 2011, 00:24

HILARIOUS! BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER!! Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! —— Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu Sep 29 2011, 23:57

Some one liners to make you smile :D

Wipe your mouth, there's still a tiny bit of bulls**t around you lips.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable…….. Like a coma!

Never go to bed angry…. Stay up and plot your revenge!

Don't believe everything you think.

Shhhh…that's the sound of nobody caring what you think.

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

I don't know what your problem is… but I bet its hard to pronounce.

If you have something to say raise your hand and place it over your mouth.

You're not yourself today… I noticed the improvement immediately.

Don't let your mind wander…. it's too small to be let out on its own.

I hear you changed your mind at last…. what did you do with the nappy?

Life is too short to dance with ugly women.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them!

If you woke up breathing, congratulations you have another chance!!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sat Oct 8 2011, 08:14

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodiaki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.

'Very good!'

Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'

Again, no response except from Little Hodiaki, 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.

'Excellent!', said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit more difficult...'

Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'

Once again, Hodiaki's was the only hand in the air and he said: 'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodiaki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'

She heard a loud whisper: 'F**k the Japs,'

'Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.

Little Hodiaki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'

The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'

Again, Little Hodiaki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'

Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'

Little Hodiaki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little s#!t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'

Little Hodiaki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh s#!t, We're screwed!'

Little Hodiaki said quietly, 'The South African Rugby Team, 2011..'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sat Oct 8 2011, 08:19

Lovemaking Tips For Seniors

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed..

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 999 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember..

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You're not sure if these are facts or jokes.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Islandheli
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Islandheli » Thu Oct 13 2011, 09:25

Dear Mum Letter.....



A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed

was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an

envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.

It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the

envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to

elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene

with Dad and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I

knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos,

her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the

woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.

We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really

hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with

the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,

so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your

many grandchildren.


Love, your son, Nicholas.


“P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.

I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than

the school report that's on my desk”



I love you!

Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby SuperF » Fri Oct 21 2011, 08:26

An Australian, an Englishman, and a South African walk into a bar.....

hold on, wait, it was a departure lounge.
docholiday
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Think before you speak...

Postby docholiday » Fri Nov 4 2011, 01:35

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the
words back? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow j *b?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clean clothes with me."
Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
So, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An older couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This one had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow, but don't get any?
We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Fri Nov 4 2011, 04:14

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was very upset.
'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, at least let me explain what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

The husband began --
'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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CYHeli
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby CYHeli » Thu Nov 10 2011, 12:19

New operating manual released.
pleasing.jpg
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
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truthinbeer
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Fri Nov 11 2011, 00:52

GREEKENOMICS

It is a slow day on the small Greek Island of Mykonos, and with all the negative publicity Greece has been getting lately, the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everyone is in debt, and the government is living on credit.

A rich tourist visiting the island drives through town, stops at a local hotel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the hotel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the local taverna.

The taverna owner takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the goat farmer.

The goat farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his feed supplier at the Farmer's Co-op.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times due to tourist numbers down, and government officials losing their expense allowance, and has had to offer her "services" on credit to the locals.

The hooker on receipt of the $100 rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.and no taxes were paid however, the whole town is for the moment out of debt and happily going about chalking-up on credit once again....

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Greekenomics works.

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