Fridays Jokes
-
If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
If it stops playing, click on the play button again!! Check this out
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
-
Pegs
- 4th Dan
- Posts: 1324
- Joined: Dec 2009
Re: Fridays Jokes
If I Was A Bird wrote:If it stops playing, click on the play button again!! Check this out
hahahahha, now that was funny!
A good idea needs landing gear as well as wings to get off the ground.
-
ROTOR WORK
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 149
- Joined: Sep 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, " Boags Draught "
The robot brings back the best beer ever and says to the
man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Boags Draught "
Again, the robot pours a great beer and gives it to the man and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about V8 Super cars, MotoGP, Tooheys beers and Supercheap Auto.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Boags Draught ," and the robot brings him another great beer.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and asks, "So, you people happy with Buckley as coach?"
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, " Boags Draught "
The robot brings back the best beer ever and says to the
man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says," 168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space
exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious...So he goes back into the bar.
The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Boags Draught "
Again, the robot pours a great beer and gives it to the man and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "100."
The robot then starts to talk about V8 Super cars, MotoGP, Tooheys beers and Supercheap Auto.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.
He goes back into the bar.
The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Boags Draught ," and the robot brings him another great beer.
The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "Uh, about 50."
The robot leans in real close and asks, "So, you people happy with Buckley as coach?"
-
If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
-
If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his
sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!
However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his
sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
-
CYHeli
- 4th Dan
- Posts: 1825
- Joined: Jun 2006
Re: Fridays Jokes
Just to finish the year;
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light globe??
1....but the light globe has to reeeaaally wanna change
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light globe??
1....but the light globe has to reeeaaally wanna change
What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
-
Rattlegun
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 173
- Joined: Jan 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
How many Freudian psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
2. 1 to change the bulb, and 1 to hold the penis. Err..I mean ladder.
2. 1 to change the bulb, and 1 to hold the penis. Err..I mean ladder.
-
Twistgrip
- 4th Dan
- Posts: 1169
- Joined: Sep 2006
Re: Fridays Jokes
I know its not Friday but hey! couldnt resist posting this Monty Python classic after an indulgent xmas for all 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLpBiy07 ... ata_player
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLpBiy07 ... ata_player
"You can watch things happen, you can make things happen or you can wonder what happened"
-
If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
(apologies to Twistgrip for my negative comments - I was having a bad day. Here's one to make up for it)
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog s#!t!"
Then I would say, "It is dog s#!t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the government approach of giving you something s#!t for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Mary was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Mary," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog s#!t!"
Then I would say, "It is dog s#!t. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"
"I used the government approach of giving you something s#!t for free, and then making you pay to get the taste out of your mouth."
-
Bionic_kid
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Aug 2009
Re: Fridays Jokes
A Police STOP at 2 AM
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."
-
Bionic_kid
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Aug 2009
Re: Fridays Jokes
WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
And a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned, '
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
(like CASA exams)
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,
And a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned, '
Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'
MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.
(like CASA exams)
-
Rattlegun
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 173
- Joined: Jan 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
Helium walks into a bar.
The bar tender says "We don't serve Noble gasses here."
Helium doesn't react.
The bar tender says "We don't serve Noble gasses here."
Helium doesn't react.
-
Rotorpilot
- 1st Dan
- Posts: 266
- Joined: Mar 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
Pegs wrote:If I Was A Bird wrote:If it stops playing, click on the play button again!! Check this out
hahahahha, now that was funny!
haha what eva, i was almost there and then.....lol
Dem winds are gonna blow
-
If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, in Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.
Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.
The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do.
Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. The sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.
So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.
Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?"
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
-
Pegs
- 4th Dan
- Posts: 1324
- Joined: Dec 2009
Re: Fridays Jokes
saw this and had to post, I think its GOLD! 
A good idea needs landing gear as well as wings to get off the ground.
-
ROTOR WORK
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 149
- Joined: Sep 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
Not sure if this has been posted before!
A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,
you have “Yellow 24”, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.’
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.’
'F**k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!
A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news,
you have “Yellow 24”, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.’
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.
Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320
Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.
Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24.’
'F**k me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the meat raffle as well!!
-
Robinsondog
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 471
- Joined: Feb 2003
Re: Fridays Jokes
Cutting satires on pollies is always a good way to enjoy a joke or two.
A comment heard from the tent embassy debacle from one of the indiginni,
"Hey Gingerella you bin lose im your shoe."
Then on one of the news blogs this morning,
"Gingerella-gate is starting to smell worse than a four day weekend at Bernie's."
A comment heard from the tent embassy debacle from one of the indiginni,
"Hey Gingerella you bin lose im your shoe."
Then on one of the news blogs this morning,
"Gingerella-gate is starting to smell worse than a four day weekend at Bernie's."
-
Bionic_kid
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Aug 2009
Re: Fridays Jokes
Gentlemen Quiz
1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitten floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitten floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) Is uptight and a waste of time
c) Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
If you answered 'A' more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.
If you answered 'B' more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.
If you answered 'C' more than 7 times, call me up. Let's go drinking.
-
If I Was A Bird
- 2nd Dan
- Posts: 494
- Joined: Nov 2007
Re: Fridays Jokes
Lucky to be alive!
The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
The wife told me to go to the doctor and get some of those tablets that "help" get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
-
ROTOR WORK
- Gold Wings
- Posts: 149
- Joined: Sep 2011
Re: Fridays Jokes
NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Regards R W
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first,
But her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.
'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again!
Regards R W
Who is online
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests
