Wednesday Joke

[droptmcguts]

They reckon that beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.



After 8 Scooners I talk s#%t and can't drive!

[FerrariFlyer]

How Fights Start.............


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

[imrb]

How fights start

A man walks into the lounge room with a holding onto a sheep. his wife is sitting there watching tv when he says, "this is the pig I f#%k when you have a head ache".
The wife responds, with "for your information, that is a sheep not a pig"
Man - "I wasn't talking to you"

And then the fight started

[Billy Hill]

Edit-credit where credit due

with thanks to Holy Cr#p That's Funny

BH

[nzrotors]

thats rough

[droptmcguts]

Ha Ha Ha Beats a Rough Pineapple..

[droptmcguts]

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled. "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?" "No... it's because you're 25."

[droptmcguts]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man…

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.

The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a ‘Sniffer dog’. ‘His name is Smithy and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.’

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.’ He tells Smithy to ’search’.

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.

The agent says, ‘Good boy’, and he turns to the man and says: ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.’

‘Say, that’s pretty neat,’ replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.

The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making note of his seat number for the police.’ I like it!’ says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Smithy to ’search’ again.

Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to s#%t all over the place.

The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent ‘What’s going on?’

The agent nervously replies, ‘He just found a bomb.’

[Pegs]

Q: What's the purpose of the propeller?
A: To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" And that's how the fight started.

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude."

Farmer's Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

[CYHeli]

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little s#%t is adorable.

[Trailing edge]

Sorry, It's Thursday (i.e. not Weddnesday), but I just got home.

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door.

They asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them,but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

---

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything.

I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

---

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked.

"Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

---

My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

---

Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!

---

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the naughty channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular naughty you sick bastard."

---

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

---

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems...

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes... Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big

blue hair."



TE

[droptmcguts]

I got fired on my first day at work as a Male masseuse!

Apparently, the instruction finish off on her face didn't mean what i thought it did..

[droptmcguts]

A guys suspects his wife is cheating on him and so hires a Chinese private detective, the cheapest he could find!!

This is his report:

Most honourable sir!!
You leave house.
I watch house.
He come house.
I watch.
She & He leave house.
I follow.
He & She go hotel.
I climb tree.
I look window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
I fall from tree.
I not see.
No fee.

Cheng Lee..

[harold]

and then.................

The drop in the number of suicide bombing has been put down to Susan Boyle!
Now the Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they're not so fu*king keen on going to paradise!

[CYHeli]

Many aspects of human sexuality are puzzling. Take celibacy, for example.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Tony and Julie listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Tony leaned over, touched Julie's arm gently and whispered, "'Self-raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Tony's life of celibacy.

[CYHeli]

From a friends status on Facebook...
non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without the batteries... it fills you up, but lacks the buzz...

[droptmcguts]

You know they invented wheelbarrows to teach CASA inspectors to walk on their hind legs.




If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins?


Oh, I've slipped the surely bonds of earth
And hovered out of ground effect on semi-rigid blades;
Earthward I've auto'ed and met the rising brush of Non-paved terrain;
And done a thousand things you would never care to
Skidded and dropped and flared Low in the heat soaked roar.
Confined there, I've chased the earthbound traffic
And lost the race to insignificant Headwinds;
Forward and up a little in ground effect I've topped the General's hedge with drooping turns
Where never Skyhawk or even Phantom flew.
Shaking and pulling collective,
I've lumbered The low untresspassed halls of victor airways,
Put out my hand and touched a tree.

[helivator]

What do you call a greek skydiver?

Condescending...

[Queestce]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

That gave me a laugh.

[skidmark]

Did you hear Carl Williams ordered a rowing machine?

The exercise bike was doing his head in.