Wednesday Joke

[droptmcguts]

Ray is gay.

He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush.
You have AIDS.'

Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?'

'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'.

Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'



Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better

understanding of what your a rse is for'.

[Pegs]

that was rough droppy

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[droptmcguts]

Two guys are stuck in the desert, close to death, lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…….

“Hey Bill, do you smell what I smell? I’m sure it’s bacon!”

‘Yes, Bruce, it smells like bacon to me.’

So, with their last resources of energy, they crawl up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

Bill races towards the tree. As he approaches, there is a rattle of machine gun fire, cruelly cutting him down. “Bruce, go back!” he cries as the life ebbs out of him. “It’s not a bacon tree. It’s … a ham bush!



Woman to Scotsman: What do you wear under your kilt?
Jock: Put your hand up and feel.
Woman: Oh! It’s gruesome.
Jock: Put your hand up again, it’s gruesome more.



Q: How can you tell a Scotsman’s clan?
A: Put your hand up his kilt. If he’s got a quarter pounder, he’s a McDonald.



A man goes to the doctors with a sore knee.
The doctor says, “You’ll have to stop masturbating”.
“But why?” asks the man.
The doctor replies, “Because I’m trying to examine you”.

[droptmcguts]

Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.


A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident..

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.


'It sure was,' said the little girl.


'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F uck Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

[Pegs]

1.A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit.

2.A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s#%t?"

3.

A young guy was complaining to his Boss about the problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her, the young man exclaimed."

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the Boss. "Whenever she got out of hand I'd take her pants down and spank her".

Shaking his head the young guy replied "I've tried that... it doesn't work for me. Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

[droptmcguts]

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR


A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured! them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and WON!

Stay with me.

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART.....

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Trues Story

[Pegs]

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said,

"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you." The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

[Pegs]

just for you Droppy

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. boobs out to here, Mike. boobs out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"

The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"

"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...boobs out to here, Mike. boobs out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"

A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just

waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... boobs WAY out to here, Mike. boobs WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,

Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.

I turned off the key, and looked at her boobs and said 'It's either screw or swim!'

She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"

[Pegs]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and lay down on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing."

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks. That's cool," says Bobby.
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll Screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT, DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************
The Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period," said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"
"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"



*************************************************************************************************************************************************************************
THE FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other

[Kif]

The scene is set, the night is cold, the campfire is burning and the stars twinkle in the dark night sky...
Three hang-glider pilots, one from Australia, one from South Africa and the other from New Zealand, are sitting round a campfire near Ayers Rock, each embroiled with the bravado for which they are famous.
A night of tall tales begins....


Kiven, the kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest heng glider dude there us. Why, just the other day, I linded in a field and scared a crocodile thet got loose from the swamp. Et ate sux men before I wrestled ut to the ground weth my bare hends end beat ut's bliddy 'ed un.


Jerry from South Africa typically can't stand to be bettered. "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight on a tiny treck, ind a fifteen foot Namibian desert snike slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grebbed thet borsted with my bare hinds and tore it's head orf ind sucked the poison down in one gulp. Ind I'm still here today".


Barry the quiet Aussie remained silent, slowly stoking the fire with his penis.

[black duck]

Love the accents Kif, they sound perfect!

[Trailing edge]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'

[Trailing edge]

Julia Gillard touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.


Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.


Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur:

'You get out and check - you were driving. '


The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.


'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Julia.


Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Julia.


The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me. '


'What on earth did you say? 'asks Julia.


'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:


'I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

[If I Was A Bird]

......missus said 2 me last night,''I'm going to make you the happiest man on earth'', I said ''Shut Up, who the f**k is going to help you pack at this time of night'

[If I Was A Bird]

Not sure how true this is but it sounds good, also not really a joke but didn't know where else to put it....

Two police traffic patrol officers from North Berwick, east of Edinburgh , Scotland were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road .
One of the officers (who were not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle over the crest of a hill. He was surprised when the speed was recorded at 526mph. The radar machine then stopped working and the officers were unable to reset it.

The radar had in fact locked onto a NATO Tornado fighter jet flying over the North Sea , which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Borders district.
Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.
Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style.

“Thank you for your message, which allows us to close the file on this matter. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked on to your “hostile radar equipment” and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before any missiles were launched.
In future, might I suggest you exercise more care when pointing your radar at RAF aircraft, especially those equipped with enough firepower to remove you and most of Scotland from the map. Kind regards.”

[UnObvious]

Apologies if it's a re-post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLdS_pbOXu8

[Pegs]

Not sure how true this is but it sounds good, also not really a joke but didn't know where else to put it....

Two police traffic patrol officers from North Berwick, east of Edinburgh , Scotland were involved in an unusual incident, while checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road .
One of the officers (who were not named) used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle over the crest of a hill. He was surprised when the speed was recorded at 526mph. The radar machine then stopped working and the officers were unable to reset it.

The radar had in fact locked onto a NATO Tornado fighter jet flying over the North Sea , which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Borders district.
Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office.
Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style.

“Thank you for your message, which allows us to close the file on this matter. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had automatically locked on to your “hostile radar equipment” and sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, the Sidewinder air-to-ground missiles aboard the fully armed aircraft had also locked on to the target. Fortunately the Dutch pilot flying the Tornado responded to the missile status alert intelligently and was able to override the automatic protection system before any missiles were launched.
In future, might I suggest you exercise more care when pointing your radar at RAF aircraft, especially those equipped with enough firepower to remove you and most of Scotland from the map. Kind regards.”

Gold

[Billy Hill]

Good for a laugh, there's even a helicopter in there somewhere. Life as you may know it


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25N_-L7Wmb0

[skypig]

Good for a laugh, there's even a helicopter in there somewhere. Life as you may know it

Everything about that is terrifying: Inc the Pink R22, and the TR failure...


Sky "I reject your reality" Pig

[Billy Hill]

Everything about that is terrifying: Inc the Pink R22, and the TR failure...

True, however, awesome piloting skills. Notice no loss of control with 2 extra people on 1 skid-and must have bottomed pitch immediately when he lost the tail rotor as no yaw--just straight in

Too bad about the fatality

BH