Wednesday Joke

[CYHeli]

I know it's only Monday...
The Italian Secret to a Long Marriage.

At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Sydney, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe's reply, 'I'm a gonna go an pick 'er up!'

[Pegs]

I know it's only Monday...

actually old chap it's Tuesday , well it is in the top end of Oz anyway

[CYHeli]

On holidays. I've slowed right down...

[If I Was A Bird]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouleh and a pint of goat's milk..

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
He's a martyr now though— the mother confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

'And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'
'He's a martyr too' says the mother quietly.
'Oh, gracious me . . . ' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18', she whispers.
Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'
'He's a martyr also,' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and searching for the right words, says . . .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
'They blow up so fast, don't they?’

[CYHeli]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind.

Today I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloooo,...just because I'm a girl doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

[CYHeli]

Wife to husband- "How many women have you slept with?"
Husband proudly replies- "No one but you dear. With all the others I was awake."

Hospital visiting hours are 10 am to 4 pm...

[black duck]

Pilot, "TheT&B ball was stuck in the middle during the last turn" Engineer "Congradulations, you've just achieved your first co-odinated turn"

[headcase]

What's the difference between a golfer and a sky diver?

The golfer goes WHACK............ F!#k it!

The sky diver goes F!#k it......... WHACK!!!!!!!

[skypig]

What's the difference between "Roast Chicken" and "Pea Soup"??



Any idiot can roast chicken.

SP

[blades]

An old pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian

[blades]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take
them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is
made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend
shouting out cries of 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE . UGH!' Here I
come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ...
UGH!' ... ALL NIGHT LONG.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first
mutters, 'It was e**mbarrassing.. I just couldn't get an erection.'**

The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't
get on the bed.'




I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized seven men then dropped the microphone on his foot and yelled, F... me!!

.... what happened next, will haunt me forever!!

[CYHeli]

I got to thinking today,
Socrates was poisoned.
Julius Caesar was stabbed to death.
Napoleon died in exile.
Abraham Lincoln was shot.
Gandhi was shot.

Kevin Rudd was Gillardteened.

[black duck]

Theres always the possibility that Gillard could be Garreted too!

[CYHeli]

If you haven't seen this, very funny spoof on the election by some students...

[Trailing edge]

Election 2010 Spoof Trailer - GetUp! LAUGH ........................................ STILL LAUGHING................................. STILL LAUGHING ................. I CAN'T BREATH ...................... STILL LAUGHING

[If I Was A Bird]

The Bathtub Test


During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well", he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand", I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No", he said.


"A normal person would pull the plug out!!!.”

“Do you want a bed near the window?"

[If I Was A Bird]

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London .
Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said: "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy says to his pal, "Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune.

Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, OK?
Just let me do all the talking, cause if they hear our accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent."

"Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will," replies Mick.

They go in and Paddy says, "I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up my van and..."

The owner of the shop interrupts. "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well... Yes," says a surprised Paddy. "How der hell d' y' know dat?"

The owner replied,

"This is a dry cleaners"

[If I Was A Bird]

Quickie in the Bushes

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing..

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down
and you s#%t on its head.'

[If I Was A Bird]

Food for thought:


Let's put the seniors in jail, and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks, they'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment , wheel chairs etc. and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly ,if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes, and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room,spiritual counseling, pool, and education. Simple clothing , shoes, slippers, P.J.'s and legal aid would be free, on request. Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard ,with gardens. Each senior could have a P.C. a T.V. radio, and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors , to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct, that would be strictly adhered to.

The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room , and pay $5000.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out. Justice for all.

[SuperF]

If I was a Bird

i was always told, never argue with an idiot, people might not be able to tell the difference.