Mondays Joke

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
headcase
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby headcase » Mon Sep 17 2012, 10:23

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to shag your brains out, and suck your boobs dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”
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StickyDingo
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby StickyDingo » Mon Sep 17 2012, 21:38

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE ATIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE..

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
ROTOR WORK
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby ROTOR WORK » Sun Oct 28 2012, 22:36

This real bitch looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or xxxx?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."

***


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "


***

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their boobs.
"Really," she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, "Yesterday."


***

"Jesus loves you."
A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.



I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted so loudly at me that I nearly fell in.
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby rotornuts » Sun Nov 11 2012, 18:29

I mowed the lawn today and after doing so I sat down to drink a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another few beers and some heavy deductive thinking I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand you never hear a guy say "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Dec 16 2012, 23:50

Wife comes home early and catches Hubby having a w@nk in the kitten. She rushes over and gives him the blow job of his life.
Afterwards he says "We haven't had sex for 6 months and suddenly this . . . Why ??"

She answers "I only washed the floor this morning. I'd rather clean my teeth than get the f**king mop out again!!"



Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse !!"



Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next !!"



Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"F**king lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear !"
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Evil Twin
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Evil Twin » Mon Dec 24 2012, 07:13

Stolen from the dark side, good though


That time of year again I guess:

'Twas the night before Christmas,and at the FBO,
Not a helicopter was stirring, not even a 105 BO.
The rotor blades were fastened to tiedowns with care,
In hopes that come morning, they all would be there.

The fuel trucks were nestled, all snug in their spots,
With the wind from 360 gusting 35 knots.
I slumped at the fuel desk, now finally caught up,
And settled down comfortably,resting my butt.

When the radio lit up with noise and some chatter,
I turned up the scanner to see what was the matter.
A voice clearly heard over the static of night,
Requested landing clearance for 36 right.

He barked his transmission so lively and quick,
I'd have sworn that the call sign he used was "St. Nick".
I ran to the panel to turn up the lights,
The better to welcome this magical flight.

He called his position, no room for denial,
"St. Nicholas One, procedure turn inbound for final.
"And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Bell built sleigh, with eight Ranger Reindeer!

With precision on final, down the glide slope he came,
As he passed by all fixes, he called them by name:
"Now Ringo! Now Tolga! Now Trini and Bacun!
On Comet! On Cupid!" What pills was he takin'?

While controllers were sittin', and scratchin' their heads,
They phoned to my office, and I heard it with dread.
The message they left was both urgent and dour:
"When Santa pulls in, have him please call the tower.

"He landed like silk, with the sled runners sparking,
Then I heard "Left at Charlie," and "Taxi to parking.
"He slowed to a hover, turned off of three-oh,
And stopped on the ramp with a "Ho, ho-ho-ho...

"He stepped out of the sleigh, but before he could talk,
I ran out to meet him with my best set of chocks.
His red helmet and goggles were covered with frost,
And his beard was all blackened from Reindeer exhaust.

His breath smelled like pepperment, gone slightly stale,
And he puffed on a pipe, but he didn't inhale.
His cheeks were all rosy and jiggled like jelly,
His boots were as black as a UH-60's belly.

He was chubby and plump, in his bright red suit of array,
And he asked me for a can of prist and a tank of Jet A.
He came dashing in from the snow-covered pump,
I knew he was anxious for drainin' his sump.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,
And I filled up the sleigh, but I spilled like a jerk.
He came out of the restroom, and sighed in relief,
Then he picked up the phone and dialed 1-800-WX-BRIEF.

And I thought as he silently scribed in his log,
These Reindeer could land in an eighth-mile fog.
He completed his pre-flight, from the front to the rear,
Then he put on his headset, and I heard him yell, "Clear!!

"And laying a finger on his push-to-talk,
He contacted the tower for clearance and a squawk.
"Take taxiway Charlie, in the southbound direction,
Turn right to three-six-zero at pilot's discretion.

"He sped down the runway, the best of the best,
"Your traffic's a Huey, inbound from the west.
"Then I heard him proclaim, as he climbed thru the night,
"Merry Christmas to all!! I have the traffic in sight.

"HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ALL OF YOU, AND KEEP IT SAFE!
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Yankee » Mon Dec 24 2012, 09:18

As you know at this time of the year, the roadblocks come up with great regularity, I would like to share a personal experience with all of you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on the way home from an occasional social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
Don't think of yourself as and ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Jan 6 2013, 13:54

You know you need glasses when........?
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Jan 6 2013, 13:56

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the 25th floor. On the 23rd floor a very handsome man with great hair, but obvious dandruff, gets into the elevator.

The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man is.

The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor.The women watch him exit the elevator. Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, 'God, was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head & Shoulders.

'To which the blonde replies, 'How do you give Shoulders?'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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truthinbeer
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby truthinbeer » Tue Jan 8 2013, 04:17

Tasmania.......One for Pegs


Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in the hills in Tasmania as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet..

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..
I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Pegs » Tue Jan 8 2013, 06:46

PMSL, one I hadn't heard before TIB :D
A good idea needs landing gear as well as wings to get off the ground.
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Skid Marx
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Skid Marx » Mon Feb 11 2013, 00:18

Why I fired my secretary:

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
I thought... Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids... They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
"Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She choose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two Martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?"
I responded, "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
"Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."
"Okay," I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake.
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing "Happy birthday".
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Sobbing...
Naked...
and erect.
Just trying to keep the same number of landings as liftoffs......
rotornuts
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby rotornuts » Tue Feb 12 2013, 01:50

Dear Dorothy,
My partner has a long record of money problems. She runs up huge
credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, she shouts at me, saying I am stealing her money. She says pay the minimum and let the next lot worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also, she has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbours that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom she has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
Also, she has gotten religious. One week she hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next she's with Muslims. Finally, the last straw: She's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with her, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed,
Tim
---------------------------
Dear Tim:
Stop whining Timothy. You're getting to live in the Lodge for free,travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can leave her any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with her financial disasters at least until September or when she is arrested.

Signed,
Dorothy
rotornuts
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby rotornuts » Sat Feb 16 2013, 18:54

Anthony Mundine goes to the doctor and says

Hey Doc.............I get sexually aroused when I look into the mirror.

Im not surprised said the doctor............................ You're a c##t
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Eric Hunt
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby Eric Hunt » Sat Feb 16 2013, 22:03

Nuts, there were a few more lines to that joke, including :
I look a bit strange
I smell a bit funny...
But I feel FANTASTIC!
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sat Feb 16 2013, 23:57

An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penis's 24 inches long.

When the Black male reaches a certain age a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, His wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African String-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little Tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Feb 24 2013, 23:07

Two Mexicans are stuck in the Arazona desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and await death when all of a sudden Luis says . . .

"Hey, Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Ees, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there in the distance is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double-smoked bacon . . . every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, wees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? Wees in the desert, don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon? Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath . . .

"Pepe . . . Go back, man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis, MI amigo . . . what ees it?"

"Pepe . . . ees not a bacon tree. Ees . . .


Ees . . .

Ees . . .



Ees . . .

Ees . . .


Ees . . .




Ees . . . a ham bush . . ."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Feb 24 2013, 23:10

10 best Caddy Responses


Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long, sir?"

Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven sir, you've already moved most of the earth."

Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."

Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually, sir."

Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir . . . That would be too much of a coincidence."

Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch sir - it's a compass."

Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good sir - but personally, I prefer golf."

Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "I'm afraid the way you play sir, it's a sin on any day."

Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "But this isn't the golf course . . . We left that an hour ago sir."

And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Bonus . . .
An old favourite . . . about the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . .
He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy . . .
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . ?"
Caddy: "There's a piece of **** on the end of your club."
The Golfer picks up his club and cleans the club face . . .
Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
rotornuts
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby rotornuts » Sun Mar 3 2013, 20:27

WIFE FROM HELL


A police officer pulls over a speeding car.
The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'


The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '


Not looking up from her knitting the wife says:
'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'


As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'


The wife smiles demurely and says,
'Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says,
'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic fine.'

The driver says,
'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says,
'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks,
' W ILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks,
'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)


'Only when he's been drinking'
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Mondays Joke

Postby If I Was A Bird » Sun Mar 10 2013, 05:07

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.


How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.


I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.


This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.


I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.


I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.


They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.


PMS jokes aren't funny; period.


Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.


We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.


I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.


Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?


When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.


Broken pencils are pointless.


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.


What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.


England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .


I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.


I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.


All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.


I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.


Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.


Velcro - what a rip off!


Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....

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