Fridays Jokes

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
rotornuts
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Fri Mar 1 2013, 01:15

I was in the public toilets and had just sat down,a voice from the next cubicle said Hi!, how are you?
Embarrassed, I said, I'm doing fine.
The voice said So what are you up to?.
I said, Just doing the same as you, sitting here!.
From next door, Can I come over?.
Annoyed, I said, "rather busy right now.
The voice said, Listen,I will have to call you back,there's an idiot next door answering all my questions"
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Bedouin Prince » Fri Mar 1 2013, 01:22

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"
"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender,"it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again.
I'm a pessimist, that way I'm either always being proven right, or pleasantly surprised.
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby helicopspeeder » Fri Mar 1 2013, 11:12

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:




"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.
The voices in my head are debating the lyrics to "Hotel California"
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Thu Mar 7 2013, 20:57

1st Day Back at School
Attendance call on the first day back at school in Sydney Australia.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:
"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."
"Ali Son al Len” Silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al Len" Continued silence as everyone looked the around Room.
She repeated, "Is this the name of any child here?"
A girl arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
It's pronounced Alison Allen.
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Low500 » Fri Mar 8 2013, 00:18

Just thought a few of us could relate to this one...

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.
He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I narrowly avoided standing on 2 snakes.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered
So at the end of it all I drank eight beers"

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
"Wow, You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," he replied,

"No, I'm just a crappy golfer"
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Thu Mar 14 2013, 06:49

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam in Canberra .......

Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks 'What's going on ?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Julia Gillard, Wayne Swann, Stephen Smith and Bill Shorten!'

They're asking for a $10 million ransom.
If they don't get it, they're going to douse them with petrol and set them
on fire so we're going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'

'Most people are giving about five litres.'
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Fri Mar 15 2013, 17:03

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spota rescue boat coming...
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most sceptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long,long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer.
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Fri Mar 22 2013, 06:15

While on her morning ride on her broomstick, Prime Minister Julia Gillard falls off, has a heart attack and dies because the 'Accident and Emergency' dept at her nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat her in time.

So the story is, her soul arrives at first in the Heaven and she is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you...'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the God that Abraham invented. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Gillard.

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects and, with that, St. Peter escorts her to a lift and she goes down, down, down ....all the way to Hell.

The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22°C. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it are Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped her out over the years --- and some of the past Liberal Party and lots of Greens members

Everyone is laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet her, to hug her and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Gillard with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Julia!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Gillard, dejectedly.

'This is Hell, ma’am. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Gillard takes the drink and finds herself liking the Devil, who she thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like herself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labor Party pulled at the last election with their master strokes on:
Carbon Tax, Education, Immigration, National Broadband Network, Petrol prices, Carbon Tax, Mining Tax, Budget Surpluses, Solar schemes, Border Protection, Health Rebate, Tough on Crime promises, etc, etc...

They are having such a great time that, before she realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves as she steps into the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopen, she is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for her. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Gillard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. She doesn't see anybody she knows and she isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' she says uncomfortably to herself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Gillard reflects for a minute ... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts her to the lift and down she goes, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the lift open and she is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

She is horrified to see all of her friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Gillard and puts an arm around her shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Gillard, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at her, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Banjo-Kazooie » Fri Mar 22 2013, 06:38

[youtube]b4ZfaDjxDBs[/youtube]
rotornuts
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Thu Mar 28 2013, 09:23

John Keys, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

John, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !! I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground. It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."

PM: "Shut !! The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. W'e will be ruined."

Hilth Munister: "We're going to haf to shup some in from Brutain ?"

PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one."

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"

PM: "I'll call Joolia Gillard. Tell her we need one million condoms, ten enches long and four enches thuck. That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."

Three days later, a delighted John rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.

He finds one million condoms - 10 enches long, 4 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.


"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"



Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie Oi Oi Oi.
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oneadi
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby oneadi » Thu Apr 4 2013, 01:52

A bit early but read this one on facebook and had to share
From John o'connor

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Sainsbury's
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local
Sainsbury's...
Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to
ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband,
Mr. Harris, are listed below and are "documented by our video
surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-
minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of
Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly
humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look'
by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the
fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in
here.'
One of the Staff passed out.
Welcome to Bladeslapper where opinions become facts! and everyone has an opinion. pop;
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Thu Apr 4 2013, 09:10

This is not a complete list

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring alcohol
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Thu Apr 18 2013, 12:05

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated
him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the
first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would
therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The
Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The
lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says,
"Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

Don't you just love lawyers?
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truthinbeer
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Fri May 3 2013, 03:35

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.


Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.


Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'


He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers! '

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Fri May 10 2013, 09:53

wine 1.jpg
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby helicopspeeder » Fri May 17 2013, 01:46

The Deaf Wife Problem

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'


That evening, the wife is in the kitten cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'


No response.


So the husband moves closer to the kitten, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


Still no response.


Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again he gets no response.


So, he walks up to the kitten door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?'

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'


(I just love this)















'For f$&! sake, Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
The voices in my head are debating the lyrics to "Hotel California"
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Sat May 18 2013, 06:18

I find this amazing! I didn’t even know what my favourite movie was until I did this!

THIS IS TRULY AMAZING - AND WORTH THE EFFORT ...

MATH QUIZ: Reveals your favourite movie!!

I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my numerical capabilities.
Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favourite movie EVER!

DO NOT cheat and scroll down to the movies. Do YOUR maths, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom.

You will be AMAZED at how scary, true and accurate this test is!

1. Pick a number from 1 to 9;
2. Multiply that number by 3;
3. Add 3;
4. Multiply that number by 3 again; then
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favourite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:


Movie List:

1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Top Gun
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Hang 'em High
9. The Gillard Farewell Speech of 2013
10. The Manchurian Candidate
11. The Pretender
12. Shrek
13. The War Wagon
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. The Sands Of Iwo Jima
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Fri May 24 2013, 02:19

Male or Female?

You might not have known this...but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TYRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... Because to get them to go anywhere......you have to light a fire under their arse.

SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft.....squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male... Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male... Because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardly changed at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it....and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Skid Marx » Fri May 31 2013, 02:23

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?" The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one." "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. "I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her butt in his face. The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It's the $hit house door off a tuna boat!"
Just trying to keep the same number of landings as liftoffs......
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby KNOW NUFFEN » Sun Jun 2 2013, 01:36

Old Homeless person is walking a long the Cliff tops drinking a cheap bottle of wine .All of a sudden he sees this very attractive blonde girl standing on the edge of Lovers leap up ahead.
He asks "What are you doing Princess ?' .
She looks at the Drunk and says "I am going to commit suicide and jump from this ledge ".
The Drunk asks " Oh if you are going to do that ,how about a quickie to make an old man happy before you go ?".
She replies " Piss off you Dirty old bastard,you smell like a Drunk and look like $hit!!!.
"Ok " says the Drunk ." Have it your way ,if you are going to be like that,I will wait for you at the bottom!!!"

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