Fridays Jokes

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
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truthinbeer
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Thu Jun 13 2013, 22:42

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel …
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Whitlam said to the people of Australia …
Put down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, Gillard has ….
Stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, put camels in plain packaging, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the carbon tax, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, and retirement funds, I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English, and I was connected to a call centre in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck .....
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Priests?

Postby Barneyb » Sat Jun 22 2013, 03:26

Twelve priests were about to be ordained.

The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, in a garden, totally nude, while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because they had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced in front of the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo.

Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started ringing.
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truthinbeer
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Thu Jun 27 2013, 23:30

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger.

She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.

She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her, so she said:

"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden.

I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department ... very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby The Collective » Thu Jul 11 2013, 22:37

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
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CYHeli
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby CYHeli » Fri Jul 26 2013, 11:15

I know, not a helicopter. Just couldn't resist.
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What you leave behind is not what is engraved in stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Fri Sep 6 2013, 02:32

Some more non PC jokes.

The human body has 7 trillion nerves... my wife manages to get on every one of them.
________________________________________________________

I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant... It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex.

————————————————————————————

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.

————————————————————————————

I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out
I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes like asparagus.”

————————————————————————————

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic lesbian bitch, it turns out that she really loves someone called Lana.

————————————————————————————

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV when he suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video.”

————————————————————————————

Life is like a penis.... Soft and hanging freely... it’s women who make it hard.

————————————————————————————

I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper.”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad.”
That spider never knew what hit it.

———————————————————————–

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that she tends to get sleepy and it makes her bum sore.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Twistgrip » Sat Sep 28 2013, 17:08

I know it's not Friday but I had to post this.
It could be argued that she died of "natural causes"!

http://www.ronsonwriter.com/index2.php?option=com_content&do_pdf=1&id=69
"You can watch things happen, you can make things happen or you can wonder what happened"
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu Oct 3 2013, 23:06

A Kiwi Muslim was caught having sex with a sheep today.

He said it was islamb and he could do what he wanted with it.
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Thu Oct 3 2013, 23:09

Nothing like a goodBible story to make your day.

How Adam Got Eve

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely..

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you. She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?"

Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby ROTOR WORK » Fri Oct 4 2013, 07:27

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Fri Nov 15 2013, 05:45

DRINKING IN GALWAY



"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's.

The landlord goes out of his way for the locals.

When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."



"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London ,

the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."



"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me

favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink,

then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks,

they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"



The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims and rounded on the Irishman.

"Did this actually happen to you?"



"No not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman sheepishly,

"but it did happen, quite a few times I might add to me sister."
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Fri Nov 15 2013, 19:17

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'
Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy:'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street.'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence....and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More silence and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn?t spell eucalyptus, so I just dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street.'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Fri Dec 13 2013, 23:12

DOG FOR SALE


A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Sat Jan 4 2014, 03:43

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS


God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments
for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'

And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested.'


So God went to the Blacks and said,'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example.

The Lord said, 'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'



Then He went to the Mexicans and said,'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example,

The Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'



Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example

The Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'



Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'


There, that should upset just about everybody
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » Tue Jan 7 2014, 06:42

The Husband Store:

A new store that sells new husbands has opened in Toronto , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, however you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs...

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Like Children...

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Good Jobs, Love Children, and are Extremely Good Looking...

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Very Good Jobs, Love Children, are Extremely Good Looking and Help With Most Housework...

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Exceptional Jobs that pay them very well, they Love Children, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with all the Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak, and they are 100% Faithful.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 18,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Please Exit to the right to make room for more unreasonable shoppers.

(scroll down and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. Similar instructions are posted at the entrance of this store as well.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have their own money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Fri Jan 31 2014, 00:36

For those not so tech savvy people out there - RESETTING THE PASSWORD

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 30 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces."

1prettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters."

1fookingprettyrose

"Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character."

1FOOKINGprettyrose

"Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively."

1FookingPrettyRose

"Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters."

1FookingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFookingNow!

"Sorry, you cannot use punctuation."

1FookingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFookingNow

"Sorry, that password is already in use."
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Fri Jan 31 2014, 00:43

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony club ....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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If I Was A Bird
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » Fri Jan 31 2014, 00:47

ARE YOU A PILOT? I THOUGHT I WAS ...

You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, are you a real pilot?
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby ROTOR WORK » Thu Feb 6 2014, 06:04

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"...

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

GOOD nite
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Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » Sat Feb 15 2014, 04:15

What Is Couple Sex?

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him: "Grandpa, what is a couple sex?
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question then she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities that go along with it.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her: "Why did you ask this question, honey?
The little girl replied:
"Well, Grandma says to tell you that dinner will be
ready in just a “couple sec's.”

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