Fridays Jokes

Fancy something that gives you a giggle?
Posts: 239
Joined: Sep 2011

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby truthinbeer » FriFri Nov, 0101NovNov

Thought you might appreciate a quick lesson in Economics re the Euro Zone.

Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvelous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » FriFri Nov, 1313NovNov

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.


SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying “congrats”.
But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.

Moral of the story:
”Hard work is never appreciated”
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
Posts: 194
Joined: Jun 2008

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Skeeter » SatSat Nov, 1111NovNov

A brief description of the situation in Greece:

A German tourist comes into a Greek hotel pays a € 100 bill on the counter and asks for some room keys so he could check if the rooms would appeal to him. The 100 € are a deposit.
The hotel owner gives him all the keys, because he has not a single guest. When the guest is gone to check the rooms the host runs to the butcher and gives him the € 100 and says it's for the outstanding bills.
The butcher goes to the farmer whith the 100 € and says, for the pig last week, which I still have to pay.
The farmer goes to the only prostitute in the village and gives her the 100 €, because he has yet to pay his last two visits with her.
The prostitute runs to the hotel and gaves the owner the € 100 she still owes him for the rent of 2 rooms, with customers.
In this moment the German comes down the stairs and says that none of the rooms would please him. He gives the hotelier the room key, takes his € 100 and leaves the property.

Now the result: All debts are paid and no one has money ....!!!! This is how the EU's rescue package works.
Posts: 53
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Location: Sunshine Coast, QLD

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Masto » SatSat Nov, 1616NovNov

Hey skeeter...

Same joke, different currency. Just saying.
Posts: 194
Joined: Jun 2008

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Skeeter » SatSat Nov, 2121NovNov

You are right!
Next time I check previous posts! :oops: :D
Posts: 2
Joined: Nov 2011

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Edwin » TueTue Nov, 0404NovNov

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her slowly, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H.....I, J, K." She asks, "What does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot." She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?" He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
Posts: 118
Joined: Jul 2003

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Trailing edge » FriFri Nov, 0606NovNov

You gotta love him!

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully.
If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.
If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where the in hell do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a fu(kin' cat at home!!!
Whoever said torque is cheap has never flown a helicopter
Posts: 118
Joined: Jul 2003

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Trailing edge » FriFri Nov, 0606NovNov

Are you doing your bit?

Hi - as a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in e-mails, BUT this one is important.

It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 5 million people. We don't want to lose any names on the list so, if you agree, just hit forward and send it on.

To show your support for Prime Minister Gillard and the job she is doing please go to the end of the list and add your name...



1. Tim Mathieson
2.
Whoever said torque is cheap has never flown a helicopter
Posts: 16
Joined: Oct 2011

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Chopper Guy » FriFri Nov, 0606NovNov

Windows vs. Holden

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If holden had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, holden issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4.... Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » FriFri Nov, 1010NovNov

The Agony of Dyslexia

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.

He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your clock back!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » FriFri Nov, 1010NovNov

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » FriFri Nov, 1010NovNov

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, But who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!", he exclaimed.

"'Good", she replied "Get your own f….ing blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
Posts: 494
Joined: Nov 2007

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby If I Was A Bird » FriFri Nov, 1010NovNov

Dear Alcohol

We had a deal were you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer...

I saw the video...

We need to talk!
"I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart" - annon heli pilot....
Posts: 731
Joined: Oct 2009
Location: Tassy

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby black duck » SatSat Dec, 0606DecDec

A few truths...... :?

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
"It's wabbit seathon! It' duck seathon! I dare you to shoot me now!"
Posts: 465
Joined: Feb 2003

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Robinsondog » SatSat Dec, 1111DecDec

Mmm, my first joke on bladeslapper, it's a bit blue, but came via my tax agent so I think you will work out the drive of it.

Titled

AUSTRALIA WAS IN A TERRIBLE STATE

The Country was in a terrible state,

As the Parliament sat for the Budget Debate.

It was quite a few minutes before Gillard spoke,

Then she said, 'Sex will cost you two bucks a poke,

Whether your short, skinny or thick.

A tax will be paid on the use of your pr**k'.



Penny Wong rose and said 'Julia look here,

Will this tax apply to those who are queer?'

Greenie Bob Brown looked rather glum,

'May I be exempt, I only like bum.'

Julia replied and sounded quite airy

'You'll pay double you dirty old fairy'



Up rose Tony Abbott, to tremendous applause

Grabbed Julie Bishop and ripped off her drawers

He straddled across her and fo**ed her at will

Then shouted to Gillard, 'Put that on the Bill'!



Wayne Swan shouted, 'I think I'll resign,

I haven't had sex for a very long time.

I dream every night of a big juicy crutch,

But two bucks a go .. that's too f'*g much.'



The House was in uproar, the fighting went on,

Till Turnbull banged on the Bar with his dong,

'With a tax on a poke in the front and the back

All we can do is have a good whack.'

I disagree said Joyce with a leer,

And stuck his big pr**k into Bob Katter's ear.



The backbenchers came and the Cabinet went

Rudd took his out and found it was bent.

'Look here', he cried as it swung in the air,

'For those who are bent a discount is fair.'

So all checked their dicks, the Speaker was last,

And in the excitement, the damn Bill was passed.



So now in the beds of Australia at night,

There's many a fanny that's closed up real tight.

They're taxing our booze and taxing our smokes

And now the bastards are taxing our pokes.



If two bucks a head is the price we must pay

It now with ourselves we find we must play

To quench our frustrations we must have a w**k

And for the state of our Country - we've Gillard to thank!
Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2011

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby MakeItHappenCaptain » SunSun Dec, 0101DecDec

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse.
Grandma and Grandpa were singing a song,
And the kid was in bed, flogging his dong.

With Ma from the cathouse and I out of jail,
We had just settled down for a good piece if tail,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I jumped off Ma to see what's the matter.

Away to the window,
I made a mad dash,
Threw open the shutters,
And fell on my a*ss

And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer.
With a little old driver holding his p*rick,
I knew in a moment the bastard was Nick.

Slower than snails his chargers they came,
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name.
"Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the walls,
Quick now, dammit, or I cut off your balls!"

Across the roof he stumbled and fell,
Came down the chimney like a bat out of hell,
And as he walked towards the door,
He tripped on his cock and fell to the floor.

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
"Piss on you all! It's a hell of a night!"
Posts: 1323
Joined: Dec 2009
Location: From the Top to the Bottom

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Pegs » ThuThu Dec, 0202DecDec

Image
A good idea needs landing gear as well as wings to get off the ground.
Posts: 73
Joined: Aug 2008

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby rotornuts » SatSat Dec, 0202DecDec

The Country was in a terrible state,

As the Parliament sat for the Budget Debate.

It was quite a few minutes before Gillard spoke,

Then she said, Sex will cost you two bucks a poke,

Whether your short, skinny or thick.

A tax will be paid on the use of your *****.



Penny Wong rose and said Julia look here,

Will this tax apply to those who are queer?

Greenie Bob Brown looked rather glum,

May I be exempt, I only like bum.

Julia replied and sounded quite airy

Youll pay double you dirty old fairy



Up rose Tony Abbott, to tremendous applause

Grabbed Julie Bishop and ripped off her drawers

He straddled across her and screwed her at will

Then shouted to Gillard, Put that on the Bill!



Wayne Swan shouted, I think Ill resign,

I havent had sex for a very long time.

I dream every night of a big juicy crutch,

But two bucks a go .. thats too bloody much.



The House was in uproar, the fighting went on,

Till Turnbull banged on the Bar with his dong,

With a tax on a poke in the front and the back

All we can do is have a good whack.

I disagree said Joyce with a leer,

And stuck his big ***** into Bob Katters ear.



The backbenchers came and the Cabinet went

Rudd took his out and found it was bent.

Look here, he cried as it swung in the air,

For those who are bent a discount is fair.

So all checked their dicks, the Speaker was last,

And in the excitement, the damn Bill was passed.



So now in the beds of Australia at night,

Theres many a fanny thats closed up real tight.

Theyre taxing our booze and taxing our smokes

And now the bastards are taxing our pokes.



If two bucks a head is the price we must pay

It now with ourselves we find we must play

To quench our frustrations we must have a ****

And for the state of our Country weve Gillard to thank!

:lol:
Posts: 118
Joined: Jul 2003

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby Trailing edge » SatSat Dec, 0505DecDec

Seven days too late Rotonuts.
Whoever said torque is cheap has never flown a helicopter
Posts: 76
Joined: Apr 2010

Re: Fridays Jokes

Postby bluecollarwallah » SatSat Dec, 0707DecDec

What do you call free Ham



A jewish dilemma

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